Coworkers: What to Do
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Victims of domestic abuse often choose to speak first with a coworker. You may be the first to notice symptoms of abuse.
You don't need to be an expert in domestic violence. However, you can notice domestic abuse in the workplace and take action by speaking with a coworker and expressing your concern. That may be an important step in helping a victim get help.
How to Respond to Victims and Perpetrators
Being prepared can help you respond correctly to an abuse situation in the workplace.
- Understand your company policies and procedures regarding domestic violence.
- Ask your supervisor or human resources representative to address domestic violence as a workplace issue.
- Recognize the warning signs of abuse.
- Think about how to speak with a coworker who might be abused.
- Know how to respond to domestic violence perpetrators.
How to Approach a Coworker Who May Be Abused
There are no magic words. Victims will often resist talking about their situation and are afraid to reveal information for many reasons.
To make it easier to talk with a victim of domestic violence, make sure your coworker:
- Feels safe to talk about the abuse.
- Knows that she or he will be believed and supported.
Also keep in mind:
- The victim knows the situation and its dangers better than anyone.
- Work may be the only place the victim feels safe.
- Regaining self-sufficiency requires keeping a job, receiving a paycheck and maintaining medical benefits for the victim and any children involved.
Plan What to Say
- Determine a good time and comfortable place to talk.
- Recognize that this may be a difficult conversation for both of you.
Discuss What You've Seen
- Describe what you observed, without judgment.
- Listen without judgment. Give plenty of time to answer. Do not moralize or criticize.
- Offer supportive statements: "I believe what you are telling me."
- Let your coworker know that you believe that verbal, emotional or physical abuse in a relationship is never acceptable.
Provide Resources
- Provide contact information for domestic violence hotlines.
- Suggest the coworker speak with his or her manager about what is going on, call the company's employee assistance program or contact human resources.
Remember that nothing may appear to change after your conversation. Your coworker may deny that anything is going on.
By showing your concern and taking a risk by speaking with your coworker you may plant a seed that leads to the victim getting help.
Domestic Violence Perpetrators in the Workplace
Domestic violence perpetrators cannot be identified by a profile of demographic or other characteristics.
A domestic violence perpetrator can:
- Be "invisible" due to exemplary or satisfactory job performance.
- Deny or minimize problems.
- Blame others -- especially the victim.
- Gain sympathy by sharing convincing stories about his "difficult" partner.
- Show "defensive" injuries such as scratch marks and bite marks.
- Display inappropriate anger or resentment toward the victim.
- Use the system to his or her advantage so the perpetrator appears to be the victim.
- Be absent or late to work due to court or jail time or because of actions toward the victim.
Beliefs and Fears of a Perpetrator
You may hear things like this from a domestic violence perpetrator:
- "It's how we communicate."
- "I have the right to break my own things. That's not abuse."
- "Stress pushes me over the top."
- "If she didn't like it, she would leave."
- "Someone has to be in charge."
- "It's just a bad relationship."
- "I never use violence when I am sober. If I am not using alcohol (or drugs), then I am not violent."
- "When I get angry I have to let off steam. Just don't get in my way."
- "Sometimes you just have to be rough to make your point."
Responding to Domestic Violence Perpetrators at Work
You can help. If you believe a coworker may be a perpetrator, be thoughtful about how you respond.
If you observe or receive information that a coworker is making jokes about domestic violence, harassing a victim during work hours by telephone or using organization vehicles to follow the victim, you should immediately speak with your supervisor.
Let your supervisor know your concerns and relate what you have observed or heard. If you don't feel comfortable speaking with your supervisor, you may contact your human resources department directly.
- Don't respond or reinforce the behavior in any way.
- Don't agree with any statements that suggest the partner is at fault.
